Big Changes Coming

 Again, it has been quite a while since I have posted on here. I think primarily, it's because I'm still in transition. I feel like I've been there most of my life. I'm always trying to become someone for someone else. I feel like I go in circles a lot, not knowing why or where I'm headed. Truth is, I've never really known. I've tried a many number of jobs within a many number of fields, and I've never been satisfied with any of them. Some say my expectations are too great for the things I have done. Truth be told, I just want to come home from work feeling good about what it is I spent my day doing. In all these possible equations, the one that seems to fit is teaching. So, I went back and I finally finished my student teaching last spring. My hurdle now is passing the Praxis. I am confident that I can. I've bought a book to study because I did fail it once. This administration has me incredibly worried with all the cuts to educational funding statewide. I know I am needed now more than ever, but good teachers are abandoning the profession at alarming rates and that really has me shaking at this decision. Truth is, I don't know what to do next. I keep looking for openings and they just aren't showing up yet, which seems very late in the year. Summer is almost over and I don't have a clue what is going to happen. I know I'm going to go through with it. I have been working concerts for Penmac at Thunder Ridge. It has been very challenging logistically. I went to work Jelly Roll, Post Malone, Willie Nelson, Bob Dylan and Hozier concerts so far. Each of them had some kind of issue regarding traffic or weather. Some shows even cancelled due to a bad storm moving through. I have been keeping an eye online for jobs in teaching and I have applied at a high school locally. I haven't heard anything back yet. I am going to continue applying until something gives. I still have to conquer the Praxis. I have been studying a lot. Hopefully, I can get it done in time. I really need some good moojoo. Please put in a word for me upstairs to the powers that be. I'm 45 now, and I need just some kind of sign that I'm at least on the right path. This seems so late to finally be choosing a career.

Meanwhile, my generation has been taking quite a beating lately with all the celebrities and heroes dying. The saddest one for me by far was Ozzy Osbourne. I loved him all through high school and college. I felt like he was very misunderstood by my elders as I was growing up. Ozzy was most definitely a pacifist who believed in love of every and all kinds. His music was so great for venting all of my frustrations of teenage angst, something my daughter has since begun at 15. She has her permit now and will be 16 in April, so we have been frantically trying to figure out the car situation. In the meantime, I am just plugging along at the nature center and greenways trail every day, trying to get in my 6 miles. This 100+° weather is about to end me sometimes, but I try like hell to keep going no matter what. I'm committed to my health. That is the most important thing to me right now. I want to live to have grandkids. I want to be as healthy as I can be for that day. Wow. Did I just think about being a grandpa?!? Weeeeeird. 

Boy, oh boy, do I Have Some Updates

 There are so many things to update on here, I'm not even sure where to begin. First and foremost, Annie and I got MARRIED on 10/31/22 on the island of Jamaica. It was the best time. We did many excursions. We rode 4-wheelers, ziplined and went tubing down the White River. We even went to a place called the Luminous Lagoon where the Caribbean would glow in the dark because of a bioluminescent organism in the water. It was an incredible trip. We couldn't have picked a better place to say our vows than a wonderful beach in the Caribbean.

  When we got home, it was back to business as usual. I was working at a bank at the time as a Personal Banker. I knew deep down that, although it was paying the bills, it wasn't what I wanted to retire doing the rest of my life. From there, I did bounce around a little trying various jobs. They were all over the map. I worked in a warehouse briefly, a roofing company, and a local discount store. All of which just weren't cutting it for me. I knew deep down what it was I ultimately wanted to do, and many have called me crazy for even thinking about it. I needed to teach. I had been in school ten years ago, and had to bail out of my student teaching about 4 weeks into it because of financial hardship. My house was three months behind and nearly all of my bills were becoming delinquent. I had to put my dream on hold not knowing if I would ever be able to afford to attempt it again. Ultimately, I believe that led me to divorce, but albeit a saving grace in disguise because you really don't know how unhappy you are in a relationship until you become inundated with joy from a new one. I wouldn't trade that feeling for anything. 

  Annie decided she was going to start applying at other jobs and when she picked up a higher paying one, it opened the door for me to try and pick up where I left off. So, that's what I have done. I recently went back to Penmac and completed the requirements for sub teaching. I have since gotten my certificate and have been subbing the last couple of weeks in Springfield. I was also offered a scholarship to return to MSU to complete my teaching credential once and for all. I will complete my student teaching in the Spring and be able to finally call myself a high school English teacher. I was hoping to get onboard on a provisional, meaning I would be able to get paid to do my student teaching as a school employee, but that didn't work as I have still not been able to pass the MOCA. I am terrible at standardized tests. I always have been. I tried to go in barely studying at all for the thing, and I actually even came really close (even after being away from the classroom for ten more years). I just couldn't make it happen, so I'm still rolling with the punches and putting in the time with subbing and my one college class to finally see this thing through. I am not giving up. Many things in life come easily to people. I tend to choose the rocky paths with many twists and turns along the way. As I've gotten older, I've realized that experience is what molds us into who we are and what roles we are meant to take. 

Remodeling Life

 I guess the reason why I hate the cliché that "everything happens for a reason" and that "things are meant to be" is that for one second, if you get too comfortable in life, the rug can be pulled out from underneath you even after said things happen. What I mean is just don't ever get too comfortable ever; whether this is in relationships, at work, or just generally speaking in life. I am yet again facing a crossroads (something that jist seems to confront me every chance it gets). I thought I had finally found the right career for me, but evidently, I was wrong. You know, all I've ever really wanted was a career I can stick with and master. At 42, it is really difficult to find the will in working towards something when you're not even sure which race you want to enter. I haven't even put my shoes on yet, more or less, saw a glimpse of that light at the end of the tunnel of glorious retirement. Will my generation even get the opportunity? I have a friend who is 2 years my junior who says he's gonna do it in 12 years. Well, more power to him. I wish I had that kind of foresight. I just feel like my light for hope in the career sector has just become dimmer, but maybe that has to do with my constant will to compare myself to others. Don't we all do that? Isn't that why fb is so cancerous? Shouldn't I be more concerned with what I'm doing and less concerned with what I SHOULD be doing? I think that's rooted deep within my upbringing with a narcissistic stepfather. It has taken years to overcome some of his shit, and the second I think I'm healed of it, something like this rears its ugly head. I don't want to tell people I was fired. I don't want to tell people the confusion and uncontrollable misery that is government work. It was physically making me ill not knowing my role, not fully understanding HOW to do my job, and no matter how many videos I watched of the same rhetoric over and over again, it wasn't explaining it at all. How did we get to this point? That's the piece I needed, but it isn't required to know. It isn't required to learn. It was required to fulfill a role. The job wasn't hard. I just had to be there, and I wasn't A LOT. That's on me. That's my fault, but give me a manager who is present, and I'll find you employees who feel useful. Tell me what I'm doing wrong, don't tell me what is wrong with the system. That helps no one. So, yeah, you let me go, but just know i had 1.5 feet out the door already. Government work is not for everyone, they say (whoever they are, probably former govt workers) and I found out how much that really applied to me. 

Here's something new for me: I am about as happy as I've ever been, but the only piece missing is that fulfilling aspect of feeling productive at work, so I chose the next best thing: I finally pieced together the partially remodeled house into a home. We have since put in new floors. We ripped out all the carpet and linoleum and put down Pergo. I had a lot of help, but we did not contract it out to save money. I'm not very handy, but it is done. For weeks, we had doors everywhere and boxes of things strewn everywhere and it was making me crazy. So, since I'm home a lot right now, I rearranged it. And now, I feel more at peace. Andrea has a job in Springfield, so she hasn't been at home as much. I went and got flowers for the table and began making my house home again. It felt really good. It felt less stressful. It was like I found purpose again. When results are positive, it makes the work worth it. I've had a few interviews, and even a couple offers, but now for the first time in my life, I feel like I can be selective. Andrea has made that possible for me, and I think this is one way of showing her my gratitude. Don't get me wrong, I am going back to work very soon, but in the meanwhile, I can finally tie up those things that are difficult to complete when both spouses work. That part feels great. The mission is clear. The task is achievable, and the results make it all worth it. 

So many updates, so little time

   So I just noticed that I haven't updated on here in a long time and so many things have changed yet again. The theme of the week, it seems, is lack of space, and once again I find myself in the middle of clutter. It's different this time around though because for the first time in my life,  I enjoy sharing my bubble with my partner. I always thought that I needed to have space physically in a relationship. What I've found is that you can share closer space with someone you truly love, and it doesn't seem painful, suffocating, and like work. When you truly love someone, you support them and they reciprocate. I have never in my life felt this way before about anyone. It truly is incredible. Andrea and I have taken the next step. Things are falling together almost as if it were predestined to happen. I have a hard time with believing things are 'meant to be.' I hate thinking that when someone in your life passes and they were super young, that it was meant to be or "God's will." Who am I to know what that is? I believe it quite literally is a way for people to cope with the difficult. I sit here thinking that a lot of things had to systematically happen for me to be here in this position; albeit in a relationship or a career. And, just within the last couple years, I've been placed in both. I found a job through the state because I was a customer of sorts, who quite literally joined the very company that helped me find a job. I now am like the hair club client who became president of said company. Just as I was about to quit online dating, I turned to the gods of Facebook and made the best friend I could have. It's like the algorithm perfected itself and manifested right before my eyes. Who made who? From the first day I met her, I knew I would spend the rest of my life with her. I was about to give up online dating because no one's profile matched who they really were, and that's the very same deception I was already running from. My brother once said I married my narcissistic stepdad, and that never made sense to me... until she was absent from my life. I had to relearn how to ride a bike. Not literally, but figuratively. I didn't know how I wanted my house to look after she left because it never occurred to me that I was capable of making that decision. Once I remembered what it was I liked doing, it made doing those things fun again. The 'new' is actually playing those things together; going to Memphis in May together; watching live rock shows together; watching the same silly show over and over and over and over again together, and not apologizing for happiness. Not having to justify feelings on either side of the wall. Feel. Just unapologetically feel. My living room now has a pallet full of Pergo flooring, and I'm about to remodel my heart once and for all, just as the trip back to CA to see my grandmother(s) AND introduce them to my love of my life and drive with my dad up the coast of OR: it happened. It was unlikely. It was random and it was one of the best weeks of my life. I hadn't the means, but my future wife found a way; same as the Jamaican wedding, and PS5 and Nintendo Switch for Christmas. Instead of regret on the excess holiday spending, she did something I just could not fathom: she got a second job delivering packages because of a splurge on me. I just put that into words; a life fulfilled. 

This is the epitome of happiness. 

Changes...changes...changes

 If there's one mantra I lived by as a kid, it was that I hated change. I'm not sure if I really did or if that whole idea was just shoved down my throat so much that I just believed it, but it does seem to hold true. I've worked for companies longer than I initially anticipated because changing jobs sucks, and nobody wants to start over, but with divorce comes the need to wash it all away and start new. I'm still in the first house I ever bought. I've been told countless times from several people that it is the best time to sell. Sure, it'd be great to pay off my bills and be in a different place all my own, but something is keeping me here. I love being close to all of Hazel's schools. It was an intentional decision made as she was born. Only 7 short more years and she will be an adult. That just doesn't seem possible, and the older I get, the faster time seems to elapse. 

I took a risk recently and left Chase to potentially make more money, but that doesn't seem to be working out for me. I feel pushed back to clean slate again. All I've really wanted was a career I can rely on to pay my bills. I've never had a desire to be rich. I guess that's why I chose teaching as a career. But my gosh, if that would have worked out, I just sit here thinking about what covid would have been like in the classroom. Would it have driven me away? I've known so many to leave teaching after the dumpster fire that was 2020. I hate the cliche that everything happens for a reason, but maybe that was my reason for delay in getting my certification. Is it worth going back and finishing? Could I get a provisional teaching job? I mean, hell, I'm 41. I've had some life experience by now. Shouldn't that qualify me to be able to skip the student teaching requirement?

Truth is, I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up. I really never wanted to grow up in the first place. It's all a trick. If you can prevent it, I wouldn't recommend it. Just keep being a kid. Adulting sucks. I don't even really like doing the same shit I did as a kid anymore. I barely play video games, and I can't remember the last time I swung a golf club. And, all of my Hawaiian shirts were sold at one of my garage sales years ago. What in the hell do I even like doing? 

Andrea bought some clubs like a year ago and the plastic wrap is still on the irons. Do I even like golf or was that just something I was told I liked? No clue. I feel pretty damn lost, and my GPS just keeps taking me in circles. You stay at a job for the great benefits and insurance, but that job ends up being the main reason you need the insurance in the first place. Round and around we go. Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Well, I guess I'm just sick of the ride, so I bailed. And now, I'm sitting here going wtf did I just do. I can't count the amount of times I've been rehired from jobs I quit because that sick feeling comes back of I really can't find anything better. Well, I can... and I will... I hope. Fuck. 

I'm just thankful that Andrea is hanging on. She has the patience of a Saint. She's taken custody of her niece and is constantly filling out apps for jobs here. I can't wait for us to be together under the same roof. Long distance relationships are hard, but I'm staying strong, and rolling with the punches. After all, my divorce was final in OCT, and it has been time to move on for a while now. I still can't believe Andrea bought Hazel a trampoline for her birthday!! I feel like the luckiest guy alive. Sometimes change just happens to us. We don't control it. It just comes in, kicks you in the nuts and forces you to take inventory of your life. I'm definitely looking forward to the seasons ahead.

Masks, masks, masks...

 Still no end in sight on this COVID 19 stuff. I really am beginning to believe it is just a new way of life. The mayor of Springfield is pushing for a mandatory ordinance for the state for masks, just as Springfield has done. Ozark and Nixa still say no, and I'm stuck right in the middle again. Hazel is back in school for now, and the teachers sent pics of them with plastic shields in front of their faces. What a strange world we live in now. Haze went with her mask on, as all students are required to wear them now. Some of her friends have chosen to attend class online only, but we have mutually determined it is best for her to be physically in school. I think she'd lose her mind if forced to stay home one more minute. Basically, her summer break essentially began in March, but the month of summer school did seem to go swimmingly. 

  I hope I am making the correct decision by sending her to school. I realize she needs some normalcy again, but at what cost? I am convinved her school is doing everything in its power to help prevent the spread, but the truth is, nobody really knows when and if it'll get worse again. Did we open back up prematurely? Time will only tell. I've made it clear to Haze that she could have school cancelled again anytime, and it breaks my heart that she lives in a time where something as important as school interaction could be taken away from her again at a moment's notice. I know health is the most important thing here, but when the threat is totally invisible, it definitely generates paranoia in some just as it breeds naysayers. I guess it really comes down to one question: what's our next step in fighting this thing? I am not a Healthcare professional, but do believe we should all listen and comply with the CDC because to err on the side of caution is better than the alternative. 

What a crazy time to live...

I had to work today, but if I hadn't I would have noticed the massive amount of people protesting in the middle of Glenstone today. A man by the name of George Floyd was killed in MN by a policeman kneeling on his neck. Ever since this happened a few days ago, the world is literally in a state of unrest. Covid 19 has also caused utter chaos with months of social isolation and quarantining. It makes me wonder if this could escalate into something as frightening as Ferguson or worse. I'm worried about the world I'm leaving for my daughter. Watching people scream obscenities at one another over things like racism and mask wearing just scares the hell out of me. There is no question in my mind that I will always raise my child to believe black lives matter, especially as she grows up here in the midwest where racial injustice is more prevalent. As far as the mask thing goes, it is just too difficult to take a stance one way or another on that. If I were a healthcare worker, I'm sure that would be different. As of right now, i still don't wear a mask, but i wouldn't refuse if I was asked to put one on in a medical office or business.

This hatred that keeps rising to the top of social and political spheres just makes me ill. I have maintained my job throughout this mess, but there were a few days when I worked at the office where I felt afraid of contracting the virus. I'm very thankful to be home working. It has been tough, but i still keep up with my walking everyday. This was something I took up a few years ago to lose weight. At one point, i was down over 90 lbs and never felt better. Since Covid, I've gained a little over 20 lbs, but still keep up the walking. It isn't always easy to maintain the momentum, especially since I live in the armpit lf the midwest. Missouri doesn't have the best weather in the world, but I still make do.

My goal right now is to keep the weight off and challenge my little girl to do more activity with me. Andrea and I picked her up a new bike off of marketplace that she seems fairly comfortable with, but still wont let me let her go on two wheels without hanging onto my arms the whole time. Hopefully, she will get it eventually without too many scrapes. We will just keep plugging along til she is comfortable. Wish us luck!

Seven years later...

So, I just realized how long it has been since I have written on here. As I go back and re-read past entries, it is totally unfathomable how much things can change in that amount of time. Goals change, relationships change, and my outlook on life basically did a 180 in the matter of one year. There were ups, there were downs, and there were times I really just needed a hug.

Sarah left me June 15, 2019.

We were married for just under 12 years, and one day it was just time. I understood why. I really did, but that didn't make it any easier. 

During that time, I really needed to do some soul searching. I needed a friend in the worst way, and when it came time to turn 40, I literally did it alone. Sure, some people came, but not the usuals. Most people had other shit going on, and that's fine, but my god... the weather was perfect and I had the fire almost completely to myself. Reminded me of the time I was in Memphis at the Beale Street Music Festival alone one year when the moonlit sky was crisp and clear, and Ed Sheeran was playing and I literally had no one to share it with. I love concerts, but it is difficult experiencing moments like that alone. All I really ever wanted was for someone to feel that with me.

The women came and went. Some showed me some really neat things about the new me. One in particular really showed me a new way to express love for my daughter by allowing her to pin her drawings to my wall. That was a really cool idea that I still have up today. She helped us decorate my daughter's room with stickers and posters (something i was otherwise clueless about). I even pinned up a Soundgarden/Pearl Jam concert announcement in my living room to mark it as mine (something i probably never could have otherwise gotten away with). The biggest change for me was figuring out what i like, not what i was told i should like. That part was fun. 

Through all of the new post-marriage relationships I had, I kept thinking I would just continue on perpetually dating into infinite not ever thinking i would want to marry again.

Then, I met Andrea, and all that changed. 

Fast forward to today and I'm happy to say I have never been more in love in my whole life. I'm told that I'm glowing now. I love that expression because that's what it feels like. I love doing everything with Andrea. We think a lot alike. We have similar goals. We complete each other's sentences . She is an accountant and lives in Webb City. It's about a little over an hour from here, but ever since the COVID 19 virus, we have both been able to work from home, and let me tell you, that has just been an absolute blessing for us. She has literally picked up my pieces, brushed them off and put them right back together again. The things I once loved, I love again. The anticipation for the future is more exciting now than it was before. Sure, I'm still not a teacher like I initially set out to be, but it wasn't a failure. That is the first time I've ever been able to say that with conviction and meaning. I chose to walk away from that dream because I could not stand causing a hardship on my family one more second while I was doing my student teaching. I still work at Chase, but I'm at home now. I love working from home. I love having Andrea here working from my home, too. Breakfast is great. Companionship is so wonderful when that person glows back as bright as you do. Man, it feels so great to be in love. It feels so great to anticipate the future. It feels so great to be away from negativity. I have literally never been happier in my life. 

But now it is time for her to go back to office work in Webb. The honeymoon phase is kinda dimming a little since I have to go back to being alone most of the week, but for once I can say I'm strong. She helped get me here. With all of her generosity and help, I know I am stronger today than I was yesterday. I just can't wait to see what the future holds! For once in my life I can see brightness in the horizon, and that feels pretty damn good!

Changes to come...

So, I guess I am freaking out a little.  I am stressed out to the max and getting closer and closer to finally obtaining my teaching certificate.  This seems to take forever and a day to complete and it always makes me frustrated to read things from friends of mine in other states that were able to get their certificate so easily after they graduated.  I went back to school in 2010 and finally finished up my BS in Communication at Missouri State University.  I was excited to finally be done, but had no idea what I was going to do with the damn thing.  I knew deep down that my passion was for writing and most of the people I looked up to were teachers.  It always seemed logical for me to take up that profession, but I had no idea the amount of time and money I would need to spend in order to earn my certificate.  Honestly, financially, it is the dumbest decision I have ever made in my life because we are essentially living on credit right now.  I keep telling myself that it will be worth it in the end because I will love what I am doing FINALLY, but then the bills just keep burying us deeper and deeper into a crevasse of debt.  It is so difficult to maintain positive when I continue to work for free.  Yes, I have a job that pays me, but when it comes to teaching, I have practicums, evaluations, and student teaching to complete before any school can look at me.  Not to mention, I still have to pass my Praxis test.  I have been told that Missouri is one of the best teacher certification programs in the union, and that is great and all, but I am 34 years old and many of the courses that are required are geared towards someone who has never taught and never had a real job.  I feel like I have a lot of life experiences that will give me a one up on other future graduates that will be looking for a job at the same time I will be.  It is just frustrating to think that I have to pile on more debt to get there.  So, what is the most logical thing to do when you are worried about money.  Yeah, well...I did something I never thought I would do in a million years...I bought a motorcycle.

If you have never ridden before I suggest you give it a try.  I rode dirt bikes when I was a kid, but nothing feels like cruising at 65 mph down the highway in the cool, open air of autumn.  It is the greatest time to be outside in Missouri.  Some folks complain that it is too cool, but my thick skin really appreciates the breeze.  I am learning how to ride with my brother.  He is a few years younger than I am, but he has been riding for over ten years.  I think if he weren't riding as much as he was, I may never have had the courage to go through with owning a bike, but let me tell you, it definitely helps me with stress.  One of my practicums this semester is at Branson High School, and I keep saying I am going to ride it down there, but it has rained every single time I have set out to head down south.  Hopefully, I will be able to make at least one trip down there for school.  It kind of makes me think if I were to get a job down in Branson that riding a bike wouldn't be so bad.  There is so much beautiful foliage this time of year on the drive down.  I guess I decided to write today because once again, I am feeling stressed out about my decision to get certified to teach.  I am freaking out about the debt it is creating for myself and my family.  I know that purchasing a bike wasn't the most logical thing to do, and I am sure Dave Ramsey would have a heart attack if he saw my financial numbers, but for the first time in my life I am feeling like I am doing the right thing by not living in regret.  Even with the crazy decisions I have made recently, I still feel proud of myself for taking the reins and controlling my own destiny.  I understand what I am doing and I am not a kid anymore.  Sometimes, I think we do things like this to prove to ourselves that we can.  I know I have what it takes to teach, but just like everything else in life, I want to teach NOW.  I don't want to have to wait any longer.  I am tired of waiting and tired of bouncing from one meaningless job to the next.  Don't get me wrong, I love the people that I work with, but I have never done anything in my life that I thought I could do for the rest of my life.  I have never had a job, in other words, that I could live with until retirement age.  The only motivating factor of my employment has been money thus far in my life, and frankly, I am sick of that.  I want to give something back to the universe that will make me feel good about going to work everyday and I know teaching will do that for me.  I have gotten goosebumps in my methods class this semester when we were going over planning a certain type of lesson.  I have never gotten goosebumps in class EVER in college or work.  I think that is a sign that proves to me that I am in fact doing the right thing.  At this rate, I will have the Praxis test passed by Spring, and begin my student teaching next fall and I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how I am going to afford it.  I may have to sell my car and down size a few other things, but one thing is for sure...my bike is staying in my garage.  I can't wait to be that quirky English teacher that wears Converse and rides a bike to school.  For the first time in my life, I think I have found my calling.  I am defining who I am in my own mind.  I am supposed to teach.  I am supposed to help kids.  I am destined to be a mentor.  I am.

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The Greatest Day of my Life

It has taken me a while to write on this blog but honestly, I just didn't feel like I had the words to explain what being a dad feels like. Now, it is barely past midnight on my very first Father's Day. Putting feelings into words has always been easy for me, but this one has me totally dumbfounded. On April 18, 2010, my life changed forever. I no longer live for myself. The first second I heard my daughter Hazel cry when she was born, the hair on my neck and arms stood so far up from my skin, it almost hurt. It's so crazy to say it like that but the emotion you achieve when you become a father is like none other. Your job on this planet as a father is to protect no matter what the cost. I picked her up and held her so close to my chest and told her I would never let go. She looked back with her brand new eyes, clean from the film that had glazed mine for so many years, it was clear that she saw me exactly for who I was and the innocence in her face was so over-whelming, I could just burst into joy. I was blessed with the most perfect being on Earth; an angel from somewhere better than this confused and misguided world. After all, this was the reason why I had waited for so long to have children. I didn't want to watch them fall into the same gaps I fell into in my life. Gaps that could swallow a man whole. But it seems that I reached an age where I figured out that I will never be perfect, and I will make mistakes in my life and if I wait until EVERYTHING is perfect to have children, then I will be waiting my entire life.

Truth is, you don't have to wait to have children. You don't have to wait for financial freedom, or when you have that one job that you can just set the auto-pilot and let it ride. You don't have to wait til you buy a house or have that special car you saved for years to own. You don't have to wait to be a college graduate. There is no good life, there's just life. It's amazing how fast it goes after 21. Years pass in blinks of an eye. My daughter is 2 months old as of 2 days ago and I am already petrified with fear of the day I have to send her off to college. So many things will happen before that, and it will most likely be a bumpy ride. Things are going to happen that I am not always going to be able to control and she is going to want to be free just as I did and still do to this day, but it is my goal to paint a beautiful mural for her to live in. It is possible that all of this that we call life is one grand illusion but it isn't my goal to research this for her, but my goal to make her mural as bright as it can be, as uplifting as it can be and as welcoming as it can be. A wise person has said that the universe comes from within and how you portray your life and your environment around you also controls the kinds of things that happen to you. I want my child's life to be filled with pastels and water colors from all over the spectrum. I want her to understand family life and relationships as being welcomed and embracing. I want her to understand God as her own calling for love and happiness, not someone else's interpretation of how she should see God. I want her to find this out in her own way, in her own time and on her own terms. I will never force her to believe in any certain way, but will show her there are many, many ways of looking at everything. I am so happy that we had her baptized today and I can't wait to see what kind of crazy adventures our new little family will encounter. I am 30 and my life has finally begun. I got your car seat ready, kiddo...Now hop in and let's go for a ride!

Mission Accomplished

So the second rocking chair went together so much easier. I am not sure if I was just tired or cranky or just didn't have good lighting in the garage or what but it was way easier than the first one. I guess that's how a lot of things are in life, you know? The second time, you are a pro and feel more confident and the next thing you know, you feel like you could put 5 more together in the time it took to assemble the first one. Life is like that a lot for me. I was never good at much of anything at first, but man, after I practiced for a bit, I was unbeatable. Video games seem to go that way for me. When I first buy one, it takes me a long time to get frustrated with it because it is all foreign territory. I guess I could apply this to life and say no one is good at anything right up front. People who are good at these things have been told that they were or have had to build more things in their life than others. I was always told I was good at some things and not good at other things. I have decided I don't want to do that to my child. I want her to find that stuff out for herself. I am not about to tell her she is only good at certain things versus others. She is free to be anything she wants to be and I can't wait to give her the tools to help her find her calling in life.

Bought new patio furniture tonight

I have been wanting to put new patio furniture outside on our back covered porch for quite some time. Actually, it has been since we moved in and we were going to get this set before but realized when we closed on the house that we better have some extra in the bank in case we end up needing it and let me tell you, it was a good thing we did because when you are signing your life away on those what seem like hundreds of documents when you buy a house, you never know what unexpected expense will pop up.
Well anyways, we finally decided on a couple of rocking chairs for outside and got them home and both of us worked on the assembly. Now, I am not the handiest tool in the shed and am not like most men in the fact that I cannot hammer a straight nail, more or less put a couple of rocking chairs together. Well, we continued this mess of what was eventually going to become a chair and I find myself getting really frustrated and I can't even see straight and it hits me... This is the silliest thing ever to get mad about and I am retrospectively looking at myself and thinking it is a stupid chair, why are you so mad at this? As I sit here and blog about this stupid little incident, I realize why. This is supposed to be a guy thing...I am supposed to be able to know how to put together model airplanes and work with nails and glue and engines and cars and knives and yet I realize that I don't work on any of those things. When we buy things like ceiling fans and thermostats, we always call her dad to come and help us install it. The man put my new lights on the front of my new house and crawled under the house and checked for moisture and did man stuff. What is my daughter going to call me about if she realizes that I am not handy. I want her to ask me about that kind of stuff when she is older. I want her to think her dad knows about that kind of stuff. I want her to come to me with man problems, not just the geeky computer stuff that I mainly mess with now and lately I am not even good at fixing those. Just ask my buddy, Mike.
So am I worried that I am not going to be a good Dad? Not necessarily. I am just worried that Mr. Fix-It is going to be Mr. Break-it and not know how to put it back together again if I am not careful. My wife says don't worry about it, not all men are good at that stuff. Well, maybe not but I want to learn so my daughter has a Mr. Fix-it in her life, even if he is as clumsy as Tim the Tool-man Taylor.

Let us begin...

So I am going to be a Dad. I can't even begin to say how that makes me feel. I have helped create another life, another soul, another beating heart, another human being. It truly is amazing. I know, I know... not a big deal to some but I am one of the most introspective males on the planet and this is why I have decided to keep a sort of journal on the internet. It isn't as great as writing a book but somehow seems close to the same. It isn't hard to post something online but it is hard to sell someone on publishing your book. Truth be told, there probably won't even be many readers of my little blog but this feeling I have deep inside cannot go unpublished any longer. It is unlike anything I have ever felt before. It is the most consuming feeling of unconditional love I have ever felt. It is all I can think about. I love this kid so much and I have never even met her before. I can't concentrate at school, or at work, and even the most simple tasks at home are becoming harder and harder to complete; all because of this ever-so-encompassing thought of being a father. You see, I didn't have the greatest of all upbringings and I just want to be the best father I can be. I feel like we have waited long enough to bring another person into the world but I also know that I am going to want everything to be perfect for my little girl. I am going to be the most over-protective father ever and I hope she doesn't resent me for that. I don't know how other fathers are able to finally let go and are able to allow his little girl to grow up and leave the nest. I haven't even brought her into the world yet and I am already thinking of the day I have to let her go...Wow, SLOW down...OK.
The day is almost here and I am wishing, hoping, praying, or whatever works best, that EVERYTHING in this birth goes according to plan. I want this to be as painless as possible and I just can't wait. For some reason, my intuition says you will be an Easter baby, so I guess only time will tell.

So I have never done this before...

As much time as I spend on the computer, you would think my fingerprints would be all over the web, but much to my own disappointment, I have not spent a great deal of time spilling my guts for the world to see, so I have decided to try this thing out and start talking to myself and posting it publicly for all to see. Truth be told, I have always been rather humble and try to keep to myself as much as possible but there are a great deal of things that are about to change in my life and I have decided to become more vocal about them. I will try to not make a big fuss over the same things that everyone else always complains about in blogs but I am sure that there will be a time where I just can't resist complaining.