Seven years later...

So, I just realized how long it has been since I have written on here. As I go back and re-read past entries, it is totally unfathomable how much things can change in that amount of time. Goals change, relationships change, and my outlook on life basically did a 180 in the matter of one year. There were ups, there were downs, and there were times I really just needed a hug.

Sarah left me June 15, 2019.

We were married for just under 12 years, and one day it was just time. I understood why. I really did, but that didn't make it any easier. 

During that time, I really needed to do some soul searching. I needed a friend in the worst way, and when it came time to turn 40, I literally did it alone. Sure, some people came, but not the usuals. Most people had other shit going on, and that's fine, but my god... the weather was perfect and I had the fire almost completely to myself. Reminded me of the time I was in Memphis at the Beale Street Music Festival alone one year when the moonlit sky was crisp and clear, and Ed Sheeran was playing and I literally had no one to share it with. I love concerts, but it is difficult experiencing moments like that alone. All I really ever wanted was for someone to feel that with me.

The women came and went. Some showed me some really neat things about the new me. One in particular really showed me a new way to express love for my daughter by allowing her to pin her drawings to my wall. That was a really cool idea that I still have up today. She helped us decorate my daughter's room with stickers and posters (something i was otherwise clueless about). I even pinned up a Soundgarden/Pearl Jam concert announcement in my living room to mark it as mine (something i probably never could have otherwise gotten away with). The biggest change for me was figuring out what i like, not what i was told i should like. That part was fun. 

Through all of the new post-marriage relationships I had, I kept thinking I would just continue on perpetually dating into infinite not ever thinking i would want to marry again.

Then, I met Andrea, and all that changed. 

Fast forward to today and I'm happy to say I have never been more in love in my whole life. I'm told that I'm glowing now. I love that expression because that's what it feels like. I love doing everything with Andrea. We think a lot alike. We have similar goals. We complete each other's sentences . She is an accountant and lives in Webb City. It's about a little over an hour from here, but ever since the COVID 19 virus, we have both been able to work from home, and let me tell you, that has just been an absolute blessing for us. She has literally picked up my pieces, brushed them off and put them right back together again. The things I once loved, I love again. The anticipation for the future is more exciting now than it was before. Sure, I'm still not a teacher like I initially set out to be, but it wasn't a failure. That is the first time I've ever been able to say that with conviction and meaning. I chose to walk away from that dream because I could not stand causing a hardship on my family one more second while I was doing my student teaching. I still work at Chase, but I'm at home now. I love working from home. I love having Andrea here working from my home, too. Breakfast is great. Companionship is so wonderful when that person glows back as bright as you do. Man, it feels so great to be in love. It feels so great to anticipate the future. It feels so great to be away from negativity. I have literally never been happier in my life. 

But now it is time for her to go back to office work in Webb. The honeymoon phase is kinda dimming a little since I have to go back to being alone most of the week, but for once I can say I'm strong. She helped get me here. With all of her generosity and help, I know I am stronger today than I was yesterday. I just can't wait to see what the future holds! For once in my life I can see brightness in the horizon, and that feels pretty damn good!