If there's one mantra I lived by as a kid, it was that I hated change. I'm not sure if I really did or if that whole idea was just shoved down my throat so much that I just believed it, but it does seem to hold true. I've worked for companies longer than I initially anticipated because changing jobs sucks, and nobody wants to start over, but with divorce comes the need to wash it all away and start new. I'm still in the first house I ever bought. I've been told countless times from several people that it is the best time to sell. Sure, it'd be great to pay off my bills and be in a different place all my own, but something is keeping me here. I love being close to all of Hazel's schools. It was an intentional decision made as she was born. Only 7 short more years and she will be an adult. That just doesn't seem possible, and the older I get, the faster time seems to elapse.
I took a risk recently and left Chase to potentially make more money, but that doesn't seem to be working out for me. I feel pushed back to clean slate again. All I've really wanted was a career I can rely on to pay my bills. I've never had a desire to be rich. I guess that's why I chose teaching as a career. But my gosh, if that would have worked out, I just sit here thinking about what covid would have been like in the classroom. Would it have driven me away? I've known so many to leave teaching after the dumpster fire that was 2020. I hate the cliche that everything happens for a reason, but maybe that was my reason for delay in getting my certification. Is it worth going back and finishing? Could I get a provisional teaching job? I mean, hell, I'm 41. I've had some life experience by now. Shouldn't that qualify me to be able to skip the student teaching requirement?
Truth is, I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up. I really never wanted to grow up in the first place. It's all a trick. If you can prevent it, I wouldn't recommend it. Just keep being a kid. Adulting sucks. I don't even really like doing the same shit I did as a kid anymore. I barely play video games, and I can't remember the last time I swung a golf club. And, all of my Hawaiian shirts were sold at one of my garage sales years ago. What in the hell do I even like doing?
Andrea bought some clubs like a year ago and the plastic wrap is still on the irons. Do I even like golf or was that just something I was told I liked? No clue. I feel pretty damn lost, and my GPS just keeps taking me in circles. You stay at a job for the great benefits and insurance, but that job ends up being the main reason you need the insurance in the first place. Round and around we go. Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Well, I guess I'm just sick of the ride, so I bailed. And now, I'm sitting here going wtf did I just do. I can't count the amount of times I've been rehired from jobs I quit because that sick feeling comes back of I really can't find anything better. Well, I can... and I will... I hope. Fuck.
I'm just thankful that Andrea is hanging on. She has the patience of a Saint. She's taken custody of her niece and is constantly filling out apps for jobs here. I can't wait for us to be together under the same roof. Long distance relationships are hard, but I'm staying strong, and rolling with the punches. After all, my divorce was final in OCT, and it has been time to move on for a while now. I still can't believe Andrea bought Hazel a trampoline for her birthday!! I feel like the luckiest guy alive. Sometimes change just happens to us. We don't control it. It just comes in, kicks you in the nuts and forces you to take inventory of your life. I'm definitely looking forward to the seasons ahead.
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