So many updates, so little time

   So I just noticed that I haven't updated on here in a long time and so many things have changed yet again. The theme of the week, it seems, is lack of space, and once again I find myself in the middle of clutter. It's different this time around though because for the first time in my life,  I enjoy sharing my bubble with my partner. I always thought that I needed to have space physically in a relationship. What I've found is that you can share closer space with someone you truly love, and it doesn't seem painful, suffocating, and like work. When you truly love someone, you support them and they reciprocate. I have never in my life felt this way before about anyone. It truly is incredible. Andrea and I have taken the next step. Things are falling together almost as if it were predestined to happen. I have a hard time with believing things are 'meant to be.' I hate thinking that when someone in your life passes and they were super young, that it was meant to be or "God's will." Who am I to know what that is? I believe it quite literally is a way for people to cope with the difficult. I sit here thinking that a lot of things had to systematically happen for me to be here in this position; albeit in a relationship or a career. And, just within the last couple years, I've been placed in both. I found a job through the state because I was a customer of sorts, who quite literally joined the very company that helped me find a job. I now am like the hair club client who became president of said company. Just as I was about to quit online dating, I turned to the gods of Facebook and made the best friend I could have. It's like the algorithm perfected itself and manifested right before my eyes. Who made who? From the first day I met her, I knew I would spend the rest of my life with her. I was about to give up online dating because no one's profile matched who they really were, and that's the very same deception I was already running from. My brother once said I married my narcissistic stepdad, and that never made sense to me... until she was absent from my life. I had to relearn how to ride a bike. Not literally, but figuratively. I didn't know how I wanted my house to look after she left because it never occurred to me that I was capable of making that decision. Once I remembered what it was I liked doing, it made doing those things fun again. The 'new' is actually playing those things together; going to Memphis in May together; watching live rock shows together; watching the same silly show over and over and over and over again together, and not apologizing for happiness. Not having to justify feelings on either side of the wall. Feel. Just unapologetically feel. My living room now has a pallet full of Pergo flooring, and I'm about to remodel my heart once and for all, just as the trip back to CA to see my grandmother(s) AND introduce them to my love of my life and drive with my dad up the coast of OR: it happened. It was unlikely. It was random and it was one of the best weeks of my life. I hadn't the means, but my future wife found a way; same as the Jamaican wedding, and PS5 and Nintendo Switch for Christmas. Instead of regret on the excess holiday spending, she did something I just could not fathom: she got a second job delivering packages because of a splurge on me. I just put that into words; a life fulfilled. 

This is the epitome of happiness. 

Changes...changes...changes

 If there's one mantra I lived by as a kid, it was that I hated change. I'm not sure if I really did or if that whole idea was just shoved down my throat so much that I just believed it, but it does seem to hold true. I've worked for companies longer than I initially anticipated because changing jobs sucks, and nobody wants to start over, but with divorce comes the need to wash it all away and start new. I'm still in the first house I ever bought. I've been told countless times from several people that it is the best time to sell. Sure, it'd be great to pay off my bills and be in a different place all my own, but something is keeping me here. I love being close to all of Hazel's schools. It was an intentional decision made as she was born. Only 7 short more years and she will be an adult. That just doesn't seem possible, and the older I get, the faster time seems to elapse. 

I took a risk recently and left Chase to potentially make more money, but that doesn't seem to be working out for me. I feel pushed back to clean slate again. All I've really wanted was a career I can rely on to pay my bills. I've never had a desire to be rich. I guess that's why I chose teaching as a career. But my gosh, if that would have worked out, I just sit here thinking about what covid would have been like in the classroom. Would it have driven me away? I've known so many to leave teaching after the dumpster fire that was 2020. I hate the cliche that everything happens for a reason, but maybe that was my reason for delay in getting my certification. Is it worth going back and finishing? Could I get a provisional teaching job? I mean, hell, I'm 41. I've had some life experience by now. Shouldn't that qualify me to be able to skip the student teaching requirement?

Truth is, I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up. I really never wanted to grow up in the first place. It's all a trick. If you can prevent it, I wouldn't recommend it. Just keep being a kid. Adulting sucks. I don't even really like doing the same shit I did as a kid anymore. I barely play video games, and I can't remember the last time I swung a golf club. And, all of my Hawaiian shirts were sold at one of my garage sales years ago. What in the hell do I even like doing? 

Andrea bought some clubs like a year ago and the plastic wrap is still on the irons. Do I even like golf or was that just something I was told I liked? No clue. I feel pretty damn lost, and my GPS just keeps taking me in circles. You stay at a job for the great benefits and insurance, but that job ends up being the main reason you need the insurance in the first place. Round and around we go. Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Well, I guess I'm just sick of the ride, so I bailed. And now, I'm sitting here going wtf did I just do. I can't count the amount of times I've been rehired from jobs I quit because that sick feeling comes back of I really can't find anything better. Well, I can... and I will... I hope. Fuck. 

I'm just thankful that Andrea is hanging on. She has the patience of a Saint. She's taken custody of her niece and is constantly filling out apps for jobs here. I can't wait for us to be together under the same roof. Long distance relationships are hard, but I'm staying strong, and rolling with the punches. After all, my divorce was final in OCT, and it has been time to move on for a while now. I still can't believe Andrea bought Hazel a trampoline for her birthday!! I feel like the luckiest guy alive. Sometimes change just happens to us. We don't control it. It just comes in, kicks you in the nuts and forces you to take inventory of your life. I'm definitely looking forward to the seasons ahead.

Masks, masks, masks...

 Still no end in sight on this COVID 19 stuff. I really am beginning to believe it is just a new way of life. The mayor of Springfield is pushing for a mandatory ordinance for the state for masks, just as Springfield has done. Ozark and Nixa still say no, and I'm stuck right in the middle again. Hazel is back in school for now, and the teachers sent pics of them with plastic shields in front of their faces. What a strange world we live in now. Haze went with her mask on, as all students are required to wear them now. Some of her friends have chosen to attend class online only, but we have mutually determined it is best for her to be physically in school. I think she'd lose her mind if forced to stay home one more minute. Basically, her summer break essentially began in March, but the month of summer school did seem to go swimmingly. 

  I hope I am making the correct decision by sending her to school. I realize she needs some normalcy again, but at what cost? I am convinved her school is doing everything in its power to help prevent the spread, but the truth is, nobody really knows when and if it'll get worse again. Did we open back up prematurely? Time will only tell. I've made it clear to Haze that she could have school cancelled again anytime, and it breaks my heart that she lives in a time where something as important as school interaction could be taken away from her again at a moment's notice. I know health is the most important thing here, but when the threat is totally invisible, it definitely generates paranoia in some just as it breeds naysayers. I guess it really comes down to one question: what's our next step in fighting this thing? I am not a Healthcare professional, but do believe we should all listen and comply with the CDC because to err on the side of caution is better than the alternative. 

What a crazy time to live...

I had to work today, but if I hadn't I would have noticed the massive amount of people protesting in the middle of Glenstone today. A man by the name of George Floyd was killed in MN by a policeman kneeling on his neck. Ever since this happened a few days ago, the world is literally in a state of unrest. Covid 19 has also caused utter chaos with months of social isolation and quarantining. It makes me wonder if this could escalate into something as frightening as Ferguson or worse. I'm worried about the world I'm leaving for my daughter. Watching people scream obscenities at one another over things like racism and mask wearing just scares the hell out of me. There is no question in my mind that I will always raise my child to believe black lives matter, especially as she grows up here in the midwest where racial injustice is more prevalent. As far as the mask thing goes, it is just too difficult to take a stance one way or another on that. If I were a healthcare worker, I'm sure that would be different. As of right now, i still don't wear a mask, but i wouldn't refuse if I was asked to put one on in a medical office or business.

This hatred that keeps rising to the top of social and political spheres just makes me ill. I have maintained my job throughout this mess, but there were a few days when I worked at the office where I felt afraid of contracting the virus. I'm very thankful to be home working. It has been tough, but i still keep up with my walking everyday. This was something I took up a few years ago to lose weight. At one point, i was down over 90 lbs and never felt better. Since Covid, I've gained a little over 20 lbs, but still keep up the walking. It isn't always easy to maintain the momentum, especially since I live in the armpit lf the midwest. Missouri doesn't have the best weather in the world, but I still make do.

My goal right now is to keep the weight off and challenge my little girl to do more activity with me. Andrea and I picked her up a new bike off of marketplace that she seems fairly comfortable with, but still wont let me let her go on two wheels without hanging onto my arms the whole time. Hopefully, she will get it eventually without too many scrapes. We will just keep plugging along til she is comfortable. Wish us luck!

Seven years later...

So, I just realized how long it has been since I have written on here. As I go back and re-read past entries, it is totally unfathomable how much things can change in that amount of time. Goals change, relationships change, and my outlook on life basically did a 180 in the matter of one year. There were ups, there were downs, and there were times I really just needed a hug.

Sarah left me June 15, 2019.

We were married for just under 12 years, and one day it was just time. I understood why. I really did, but that didn't make it any easier. 

During that time, I really needed to do some soul searching. I needed a friend in the worst way, and when it came time to turn 40, I literally did it alone. Sure, some people came, but not the usuals. Most people had other shit going on, and that's fine, but my god... the weather was perfect and I had the fire almost completely to myself. Reminded me of the time I was in Memphis at the Beale Street Music Festival alone one year when the moonlit sky was crisp and clear, and Ed Sheeran was playing and I literally had no one to share it with. I love concerts, but it is difficult experiencing moments like that alone. All I really ever wanted was for someone to feel that with me.

The women came and went. Some showed me some really neat things about the new me. One in particular really showed me a new way to express love for my daughter by allowing her to pin her drawings to my wall. That was a really cool idea that I still have up today. She helped us decorate my daughter's room with stickers and posters (something i was otherwise clueless about). I even pinned up a Soundgarden/Pearl Jam concert announcement in my living room to mark it as mine (something i probably never could have otherwise gotten away with). The biggest change for me was figuring out what i like, not what i was told i should like. That part was fun. 

Through all of the new post-marriage relationships I had, I kept thinking I would just continue on perpetually dating into infinite not ever thinking i would want to marry again.

Then, I met Andrea, and all that changed. 

Fast forward to today and I'm happy to say I have never been more in love in my whole life. I'm told that I'm glowing now. I love that expression because that's what it feels like. I love doing everything with Andrea. We think a lot alike. We have similar goals. We complete each other's sentences . She is an accountant and lives in Webb City. It's about a little over an hour from here, but ever since the COVID 19 virus, we have both been able to work from home, and let me tell you, that has just been an absolute blessing for us. She has literally picked up my pieces, brushed them off and put them right back together again. The things I once loved, I love again. The anticipation for the future is more exciting now than it was before. Sure, I'm still not a teacher like I initially set out to be, but it wasn't a failure. That is the first time I've ever been able to say that with conviction and meaning. I chose to walk away from that dream because I could not stand causing a hardship on my family one more second while I was doing my student teaching. I still work at Chase, but I'm at home now. I love working from home. I love having Andrea here working from my home, too. Breakfast is great. Companionship is so wonderful when that person glows back as bright as you do. Man, it feels so great to be in love. It feels so great to anticipate the future. It feels so great to be away from negativity. I have literally never been happier in my life. 

But now it is time for her to go back to office work in Webb. The honeymoon phase is kinda dimming a little since I have to go back to being alone most of the week, but for once I can say I'm strong. She helped get me here. With all of her generosity and help, I know I am stronger today than I was yesterday. I just can't wait to see what the future holds! For once in my life I can see brightness in the horizon, and that feels pretty damn good!

Changes to come...

So, I guess I am freaking out a little.  I am stressed out to the max and getting closer and closer to finally obtaining my teaching certificate.  This seems to take forever and a day to complete and it always makes me frustrated to read things from friends of mine in other states that were able to get their certificate so easily after they graduated.  I went back to school in 2010 and finally finished up my BS in Communication at Missouri State University.  I was excited to finally be done, but had no idea what I was going to do with the damn thing.  I knew deep down that my passion was for writing and most of the people I looked up to were teachers.  It always seemed logical for me to take up that profession, but I had no idea the amount of time and money I would need to spend in order to earn my certificate.  Honestly, financially, it is the dumbest decision I have ever made in my life because we are essentially living on credit right now.  I keep telling myself that it will be worth it in the end because I will love what I am doing FINALLY, but then the bills just keep burying us deeper and deeper into a crevasse of debt.  It is so difficult to maintain positive when I continue to work for free.  Yes, I have a job that pays me, but when it comes to teaching, I have practicums, evaluations, and student teaching to complete before any school can look at me.  Not to mention, I still have to pass my Praxis test.  I have been told that Missouri is one of the best teacher certification programs in the union, and that is great and all, but I am 34 years old and many of the courses that are required are geared towards someone who has never taught and never had a real job.  I feel like I have a lot of life experiences that will give me a one up on other future graduates that will be looking for a job at the same time I will be.  It is just frustrating to think that I have to pile on more debt to get there.  So, what is the most logical thing to do when you are worried about money.  Yeah, well...I did something I never thought I would do in a million years...I bought a motorcycle.

If you have never ridden before I suggest you give it a try.  I rode dirt bikes when I was a kid, but nothing feels like cruising at 65 mph down the highway in the cool, open air of autumn.  It is the greatest time to be outside in Missouri.  Some folks complain that it is too cool, but my thick skin really appreciates the breeze.  I am learning how to ride with my brother.  He is a few years younger than I am, but he has been riding for over ten years.  I think if he weren't riding as much as he was, I may never have had the courage to go through with owning a bike, but let me tell you, it definitely helps me with stress.  One of my practicums this semester is at Branson High School, and I keep saying I am going to ride it down there, but it has rained every single time I have set out to head down south.  Hopefully, I will be able to make at least one trip down there for school.  It kind of makes me think if I were to get a job down in Branson that riding a bike wouldn't be so bad.  There is so much beautiful foliage this time of year on the drive down.  I guess I decided to write today because once again, I am feeling stressed out about my decision to get certified to teach.  I am freaking out about the debt it is creating for myself and my family.  I know that purchasing a bike wasn't the most logical thing to do, and I am sure Dave Ramsey would have a heart attack if he saw my financial numbers, but for the first time in my life I am feeling like I am doing the right thing by not living in regret.  Even with the crazy decisions I have made recently, I still feel proud of myself for taking the reins and controlling my own destiny.  I understand what I am doing and I am not a kid anymore.  Sometimes, I think we do things like this to prove to ourselves that we can.  I know I have what it takes to teach, but just like everything else in life, I want to teach NOW.  I don't want to have to wait any longer.  I am tired of waiting and tired of bouncing from one meaningless job to the next.  Don't get me wrong, I love the people that I work with, but I have never done anything in my life that I thought I could do for the rest of my life.  I have never had a job, in other words, that I could live with until retirement age.  The only motivating factor of my employment has been money thus far in my life, and frankly, I am sick of that.  I want to give something back to the universe that will make me feel good about going to work everyday and I know teaching will do that for me.  I have gotten goosebumps in my methods class this semester when we were going over planning a certain type of lesson.  I have never gotten goosebumps in class EVER in college or work.  I think that is a sign that proves to me that I am in fact doing the right thing.  At this rate, I will have the Praxis test passed by Spring, and begin my student teaching next fall and I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how I am going to afford it.  I may have to sell my car and down size a few other things, but one thing is for sure...my bike is staying in my garage.  I can't wait to be that quirky English teacher that wears Converse and rides a bike to school.  For the first time in my life, I think I have found my calling.  I am defining who I am in my own mind.  I am supposed to teach.  I am supposed to help kids.  I am destined to be a mentor.  I am.

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