What a crazy time to live...

I had to work today, but if I hadn't I would have noticed the massive amount of people protesting in the middle of Glenstone today. A man by the name of George Floyd was killed in MN by a policeman kneeling on his neck. Ever since this happened a few days ago, the world is literally in a state of unrest. Covid 19 has also caused utter chaos with months of social isolation and quarantining. It makes me wonder if this could escalate into something as frightening as Ferguson or worse. I'm worried about the world I'm leaving for my daughter. Watching people scream obscenities at one another over things like racism and mask wearing just scares the hell out of me. There is no question in my mind that I will always raise my child to believe black lives matter, especially as she grows up here in the midwest where racial injustice is more prevalent. As far as the mask thing goes, it is just too difficult to take a stance one way or another on that. If I were a healthcare worker, I'm sure that would be different. As of right now, i still don't wear a mask, but i wouldn't refuse if I was asked to put one on in a medical office or business.

This hatred that keeps rising to the top of social and political spheres just makes me ill. I have maintained my job throughout this mess, but there were a few days when I worked at the office where I felt afraid of contracting the virus. I'm very thankful to be home working. It has been tough, but i still keep up with my walking everyday. This was something I took up a few years ago to lose weight. At one point, i was down over 90 lbs and never felt better. Since Covid, I've gained a little over 20 lbs, but still keep up the walking. It isn't always easy to maintain the momentum, especially since I live in the armpit lf the midwest. Missouri doesn't have the best weather in the world, but I still make do.

My goal right now is to keep the weight off and challenge my little girl to do more activity with me. Andrea and I picked her up a new bike off of marketplace that she seems fairly comfortable with, but still wont let me let her go on two wheels without hanging onto my arms the whole time. Hopefully, she will get it eventually without too many scrapes. We will just keep plugging along til she is comfortable. Wish us luck!

Seven years later...

So, I just realized how long it has been since I have written on here. As I go back and re-read past entries, it is totally unfathomable how much things can change in that amount of time. Goals change, relationships change, and my outlook on life basically did a 180 in the matter of one year. There were ups, there were downs, and there were times I really just needed a hug.

Sarah left me June 15, 2019.

We were married for just under 12 years, and one day it was just time. I understood why. I really did, but that didn't make it any easier. 

During that time, I really needed to do some soul searching. I needed a friend in the worst way, and when it came time to turn 40, I literally did it alone. Sure, some people came, but not the usuals. Most people had other shit going on, and that's fine, but my god... the weather was perfect and I had the fire almost completely to myself. Reminded me of the time I was in Memphis at the Beale Street Music Festival alone one year when the moonlit sky was crisp and clear, and Ed Sheeran was playing and I literally had no one to share it with. I love concerts, but it is difficult experiencing moments like that alone. All I really ever wanted was for someone to feel that with me.

The women came and went. Some showed me some really neat things about the new me. One in particular really showed me a new way to express love for my daughter by allowing her to pin her drawings to my wall. That was a really cool idea that I still have up today. She helped us decorate my daughter's room with stickers and posters (something i was otherwise clueless about). I even pinned up a Soundgarden/Pearl Jam concert announcement in my living room to mark it as mine (something i probably never could have otherwise gotten away with). The biggest change for me was figuring out what i like, not what i was told i should like. That part was fun. 

Through all of the new post-marriage relationships I had, I kept thinking I would just continue on perpetually dating into infinite not ever thinking i would want to marry again.

Then, I met Andrea, and all that changed. 

Fast forward to today and I'm happy to say I have never been more in love in my whole life. I'm told that I'm glowing now. I love that expression because that's what it feels like. I love doing everything with Andrea. We think a lot alike. We have similar goals. We complete each other's sentences . She is an accountant and lives in Webb City. It's about a little over an hour from here, but ever since the COVID 19 virus, we have both been able to work from home, and let me tell you, that has just been an absolute blessing for us. She has literally picked up my pieces, brushed them off and put them right back together again. The things I once loved, I love again. The anticipation for the future is more exciting now than it was before. Sure, I'm still not a teacher like I initially set out to be, but it wasn't a failure. That is the first time I've ever been able to say that with conviction and meaning. I chose to walk away from that dream because I could not stand causing a hardship on my family one more second while I was doing my student teaching. I still work at Chase, but I'm at home now. I love working from home. I love having Andrea here working from my home, too. Breakfast is great. Companionship is so wonderful when that person glows back as bright as you do. Man, it feels so great to be in love. It feels so great to anticipate the future. It feels so great to be away from negativity. I have literally never been happier in my life. 

But now it is time for her to go back to office work in Webb. The honeymoon phase is kinda dimming a little since I have to go back to being alone most of the week, but for once I can say I'm strong. She helped get me here. With all of her generosity and help, I know I am stronger today than I was yesterday. I just can't wait to see what the future holds! For once in my life I can see brightness in the horizon, and that feels pretty damn good!