I guess the reason why I hate the cliché that "everything happens for a reason" and that "things are meant to be" is that for one second, if you get too comfortable in life, the rug can be pulled out from underneath you even after said things happen. What I mean is just don't ever get too comfortable ever; whether this is in relationships, at work, or just generally speaking in life. I am yet again facing a crossroads (something that jist seems to confront me every chance it gets). I thought I had finally found the right career for me, but evidently, I was wrong. You know, all I've ever really wanted was a career I can stick with and master. At 42, it is really difficult to find the will in working towards something when you're not even sure which race you want to enter. I haven't even put my shoes on yet, more or less, saw a glimpse of that light at the end of the tunnel of glorious retirement. Will my generation even get the opportunity? I have a friend who is 2 years my junior who says he's gonna do it in 12 years. Well, more power to him. I wish I had that kind of foresight. I just feel like my light for hope in the career sector has just become dimmer, but maybe that has to do with my constant will to compare myself to others. Don't we all do that? Isn't that why fb is so cancerous? Shouldn't I be more concerned with what I'm doing and less concerned with what I SHOULD be doing? I think that's rooted deep within my upbringing with a narcissistic stepfather. It has taken years to overcome some of his shit, and the second I think I'm healed of it, something like this rears its ugly head. I don't want to tell people I was fired. I don't want to tell people the confusion and uncontrollable misery that is government work. It was physically making me ill not knowing my role, not fully understanding HOW to do my job, and no matter how many videos I watched of the same rhetoric over and over again, it wasn't explaining it at all. How did we get to this point? That's the piece I needed, but it isn't required to know. It isn't required to learn. It was required to fulfill a role. The job wasn't hard. I just had to be there, and I wasn't A LOT. That's on me. That's my fault, but give me a manager who is present, and I'll find you employees who feel useful. Tell me what I'm doing wrong, don't tell me what is wrong with the system. That helps no one. So, yeah, you let me go, but just know i had 1.5 feet out the door already. Government work is not for everyone, they say (whoever they are, probably former govt workers) and I found out how much that really applied to me.
Here's something new for me: I am about as happy as I've ever been, but the only piece missing is that fulfilling aspect of feeling productive at work, so I chose the next best thing: I finally pieced together the partially remodeled house into a home. We have since put in new floors. We ripped out all the carpet and linoleum and put down Pergo. I had a lot of help, but we did not contract it out to save money. I'm not very handy, but it is done. For weeks, we had doors everywhere and boxes of things strewn everywhere and it was making me crazy. So, since I'm home a lot right now, I rearranged it. And now, I feel more at peace. Andrea has a job in Springfield, so she hasn't been at home as much. I went and got flowers for the table and began making my house home again. It felt really good. It felt less stressful. It was like I found purpose again. When results are positive, it makes the work worth it. I've had a few interviews, and even a couple offers, but now for the first time in my life, I feel like I can be selective. Andrea has made that possible for me, and I think this is one way of showing her my gratitude. Don't get me wrong, I am going back to work very soon, but in the meanwhile, I can finally tie up those things that are difficult to complete when both spouses work. That part feels great. The mission is clear. The task is achievable, and the results make it all worth it.
