So I just noticed that I haven't updated on here in a long time and so many things have changed yet again. The theme of the week, it seems, is lack of space, and once again I find myself in the middle of clutter. It's different this time around though because for the first time in my life, I enjoy sharing my bubble with my partner. I always thought that I needed to have space physically in a relationship. What I've found is that you can share closer space with someone you truly love, and it doesn't seem painful, suffocating, and like work. When you truly love someone, you support them and they reciprocate. I have never in my life felt this way before about anyone. It truly is incredible. Andrea and I have taken the next step. Things are falling together almost as if it were predestined to happen. I have a hard time with believing things are 'meant to be.' I hate thinking that when someone in your life passes and they were super young, that it was meant to be or "God's will." Who am I to know what that is? I believe it quite literally is a way for people to cope with the difficult. I sit here thinking that a lot of things had to systematically happen for me to be here in this position; albeit in a relationship or a career. And, just within the last couple years, I've been placed in both. I found a job through the state because I was a customer of sorts, who quite literally joined the very company that helped me find a job. I now am like the hair club client who became president of said company. Just as I was about to quit online dating, I turned to the gods of Facebook and made the best friend I could have. It's like the algorithm perfected itself and manifested right before my eyes. Who made who? From the first day I met her, I knew I would spend the rest of my life with her. I was about to give up online dating because no one's profile matched who they really were, and that's the very same deception I was already running from. My brother once said I married my narcissistic stepdad, and that never made sense to me... until she was absent from my life. I had to relearn how to ride a bike. Not literally, but figuratively. I didn't know how I wanted my house to look after she left because it never occurred to me that I was capable of making that decision. Once I remembered what it was I liked doing, it made doing those things fun again. The 'new' is actually playing those things together; going to Memphis in May together; watching live rock shows together; watching the same silly show over and over and over and over again together, and not apologizing for happiness. Not having to justify feelings on either side of the wall. Feel. Just unapologetically feel. My living room now has a pallet full of Pergo flooring, and I'm about to remodel my heart once and for all, just as the trip back to CA to see my grandmother(s) AND introduce them to my love of my life and drive with my dad up the coast of OR: it happened. It was unlikely. It was random and it was one of the best weeks of my life. I hadn't the means, but my future wife found a way; same as the Jamaican wedding, and PS5 and Nintendo Switch for Christmas. Instead of regret on the excess holiday spending, she did something I just could not fathom: she got a second job delivering packages because of a splurge on me. I just put that into words; a life fulfilled.
This is the epitome of happiness.
